For the first 18 years of my life, I never lived anywhere for more than 3 years. I never had the opportunity to make lasting friendships. By the age of 10, I could readily recognize the stages of loss where best friends first promised to visit, then vowed to write until, finally, they disappeared altogether. I don't begrudge them- they had lives and friends and... well, we were all just kids. Eventually, I came to accept that friendships were short-term and I found other things to motivate and entertain me. I loved to read comic books and play computer games- particularly roleplaying games. I created dynamic characters, then helped them to develop and grow as they undertook these great adventures. Movies were critical. They took me far away and, although our relationship was a bit one-sided, they filled some big, emotional holes in my life.
I don't think it's mushy or corny to want friends around you. After retiring from the military, my dad has spent years trying to find small town diners or church communities where he might find meaningful friendships. People were friendly, yet they already had their good friends and weren't interested (or needed) to call on him whenever they felt like having friends for dinner or see a movie. The only people that my parents can do things with are sisters and brothers so, after years of resisting, they're moving closer to family.
It's a fundamental need. I've deeply craved it all my life- in my work and personal life. I didn't want to repeat the same stories over and over and re-introduce myself to strangers with the fervent hope that I won't blow it and they'll like me and think to call me when they need to talk to somebody. I'm not afraid to meet new people. Kat and I have tried for years to make new friends in the City. It grows tiring to go to parties and re-explaining yourself to others. I can't tell you the number of times that poor Kat has had to endure my "Theory of Porn" speech or hear another defense of why I think Michael Bay is an assmonkey who should never be allowed to direct another film.
I love having friends who know me well enough that they know my passions so we can have a conversation that comes from the end of my last thought rather than an explanation from the start. I love being able to sit in a room and just enjoy being there with a person instead of filling the empty moment. I love it when a friend introduces me to something new and interesting because they are excited about seeing my excitement. I even love a good tweak to my ego when a friend pokes a hole in an attitude that I've got all figured out. I love my fiancé and there are tons of moments that we share, but it's ennobling to also have friends with different rhythms and ideas who want to hang you with you just because you're You.
It's the same thing in my professional life. When I discuss movies, I want to be able to talk about how Woody Allen's new movie "Match Point" is an interesting return to his directing style in "Crimes and Misdemeanors" instead of explaining to someone who Woody Allen is. I want to work with contemporaries who challenge me as much as I challenge them. I want competition that makes me want to be better rather than frustrate me. I want to hear about other people's choices and discoveries, and root for them to succeed.
I read a story one time about how, back in the 1960's, Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas talked about buying a big Victorian house outside of San Francisco. They wanted to start a production company, buy some 16mm cameras and create a communal space where artists could mingle and make movies. I don't know whether the story was true but I always loved that idea of having a space where artists could hang out, exchange ideas and work near each other. Painters could inspire filmmakers who inspire musicians and everyone would believe in creating great things.
All great movements got their start in places where various people from various disciplines ate, drank, and partied together. I still hold onto dreams like that and I don't believe they're sappy or unrealistic. It's a quick and slippery beast to catch, though. I've spent years chasing it- moving to one city, then another, hoping to find an open, vibrant community. People don't know their power and can easily get fixated on the idea that they should do it alone. I've found myself in spaces and times where I have glanced the tremendous power of a group of people believing in one another.
My friends are scattered all over the world, now. They all have such vibrant, creative fires but I worry that they are in danger of going out or drifting out of my life altogether. I often get this intense, Catcher-in-the-Rye feeling and I think of that quote-
Anyway, I keep picturing these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
I want to gather my friends before we all completely lose sight of our dreams- before we fall off the cliff.
