around the world and Home again...

Many thanks to Muse and Jerry for the warm words. The Deed has been done. 5,500 miles have been logged. Pictures and words are pending. It was real. It was wonderful. It was a fantastic time.

Much to do on the long (though better-lit) road ahead.

hip deep in Life

It feels like it's been weeks since I've written anything on this blog... hold on a minute. That's because I haven't.

My evenings and weekends have been chock-full of Business as I prepare for my month-long hiatus from the Cave, and the City. June 3rd is the official wedding date and June 5th is the beginning of our month-long tour of America's national parks and gas stations. Most of the big stuff for the wedding has been taken care of, so now we are in Anxious Waiting stage. Meanwhile, I am trying to teach myself the intricacies of Adobe Premiere, After Effects and Encore as I scramble to complete a wedding DVD for my friend, Eliot (the fellow who got married in Sweden last summer). So there's that, and the short story I've been knocking around for the last 4 months, and the Japanese kanji characters I was trying to teach myself as a part of another ongoing project, and the book on Mutual Funds that I checked out of the library 3 weeks ago because I wanted to learn about investing, and the copy of "Everything is Illuminated" that I've been reading on the subway to and from work, and then there's that tiny little detail of the wedding that hasn't been completed called the VOWS...

...

So, when I realized that I'd been neglecting my blog on top of all the other stuff, I decided that I HAD to take 15 minutes out of my workday (I'm sure no one will mind) and touch base... Or, I could just ramble.

digging for my Bliss

I've been running jangly for the last few weeks. I can't get a grip on anything. I destroyed my 4-month-old iPod Nano/birthday gift last week. What should have been a smooth, 'Pick up item/put item in pocket' maneuver turned into 'pick up item/try to get better grip on item/launch item across the room and under the dresser'. Last night, I lost all motor skills and got waxed in a game of Madden 2005. I became so irate, I had to stand on the fire escape in 30 degree (F) temperatures and 20 m.p.h. winds to calm myself. That took a good 15 minutes to get over a computer game.

Defeatism is in full bloom and the stench would fell a Pollyanna. I can stand outside myself and observe the irrational behavior, yet still be utterly unable to control it. My focus goes off in brilliant, red and blue fireworks as thoughts shimmer and crackle with insipiration then instantly dissolve into blackness. Mania is swinging the pendulum wide and for the first time ever, I've actually entertained the notion that, perhaps, I might need some form of medication... now, all I need is health insurance.

Of course, the City has done little to improve my mood, either. I've noticed that many of my friends have been feeling the same, anxious irritation. New York City is feeling unaffordable even for the full-timers. Many people have glanced up after a few years of earnest, nose-to-the-grindstone effort and can't figure out why they chose to move here in the first place... or why they should stay. Rents have continued to skyrocket, even in the few years I've lived here. Moving to New York has felt like drilling a well. As I start digging deeper and deeper, I fret about whether I chose the right spot and whether I should try another place. A little deeper, I start to think that if I did stop, then I'd be wasting all the time/money I've put into it. So, I throw myself into it all-the-harder, thinking that I'm just being a chicken-shit and losing my nerve. Nowadays, I'm starting to wonder whether I've just dug myself a really expensive hole to Nowhere.

For our honeymoon, Kat and I are going to roadtrip America. We've wanted to do it for years, just as an adventure. Now, it's starting to look like chance to find if there's somewhere in this country where an artist might find a way to both live and work on his art. My parents are so desperate to get us out of the City, they've eagerly offered to lend us a car and help pay for the trip. We're planning on visiting friends and relatives in Nebraska and South Dakota, then check out Colorado, Washington, California, the Southwest and who knows where else before returning the car. Kat and I were both born in Colorado so there's a part of us that thinks Colorado might be the place we'll end up, but who knows? Maybe we'll stay a bit longer and finally strike water in NYC so we can start building.

But the hole keeps getting deeper.