Ran - horny teenagers need not apply

When I was in high school, my best friend, also named John, was a huge Akira Kurosawa enthusiast. The idea of sitting through 3-hour, black-and-white, samurai warrior epics could not have appealed to me less. John would tell me scenes from the movie and practically beg me to watch it, but there were Forces far greater than friendship working beneath the surface. I was in love/lust with Suzie, a cute Vietnamese-American chick whose obsession with sappy, 80's, teen movies was in direct contrast to my taste in movies. The sexual highlight of my high school years was when Suzie buried her face in my shoulder for 30 seconds as Glenn Close attacked Michael Douglas with a knife in Fatal Attraction. Sitting 3 hours in John's living room and watching anything without Suzie in the picture had no chance of happening. Of course, my passive-aggressive dating technique to become best friends with Suzie, then Hope for something to happen, wasn't a success. She left me for a college kid who drove a Porsche, butthat'sanotherstoryandIdon'twanttotalkaboutitrightnow!

...

Still, I couldn't blame her. She was cute as a button, it was high school and I was up to my eyeballs in self-deprecating longing.

Good thing I got THAT out of my system...

I CANNOT, however, forgive Suzie for her taste in movies. How I could willingly spend money to witness the vacuous train-wrecks called Johnny Be Good, Teen Wolf, and Short Circuit instead of bowing to John's enthusiastic rants and watched Rashomon, The Seven Samurai, or Throne of Blood is beyond me. Nothing speaks to the crippling stupidity of a hormonal teenager than this. Akira Kurosawa is now my favorite director of all time, but whenever I sit down to see one of his movies, I must give pause for the shame that my introduction to Kurosawa was delayed by over 6 years because of Suzie... and I didn't even any heavy petting.

Fortunately, video allows me to make up for my past mistakes. Last weekend, I sat down to re-visit one of the longer, and better, of Kurosawa's films- Ran. Ran is Kurosawa's fantastic, Nobu-theater inspired adaptation of Shakespeare's King Lear. Instead of Lear having 3 daughters, Kurosawa presents us with three samurai sons. After 20 years of abysmal video transfers, Criterion has mercifully stepped in and restored Ran to all it's fantastic, colorific glory. Ran isn't my favorite of Kurosawa's films. I'm a big fan of his smaller stories, like Ikiru, Rashomon, Stray Dog and Dersu Uzala. Still, it's hard to not like watching a director at the top of his game and nobody can pull off a sweeping epic quite like Kurosawa. The film has an expressionistic sweep with bigger-than-life acting and fantastic composition. Like any great tragedy, it is a very long fall to the final comeuppance, but it's a hell of a ride along the way.

What I particularly love about this version is the audio commentary. Stephen Prince is a fantastic commentator and should be required viewing. I've heard his commentary on a couple other Criterion Collection releases and he does a fantastic job of flushing out some of the better details of Kurosawa's life, his philosophy and his technical style. Prince also does a tremendous job of flushing out the story and illuminating some of Kurosawa's brilliant details. You owe it to yourself to check this new copy out, even if you've seen it before. If you haven't... well, what were YOU doing in high school?

friends (what We good for?)

*This began as a response to Muse's insight on my previous post, but I just kept going on and on so...

For the first 18 years of my life, I never lived anywhere for more than 3 years. I never had the opportunity to make lasting friendships. By the age of 10, I could readily recognize the stages of loss where best friends first promised to visit, then vowed to write until, finally, they disappeared altogether. I don't begrudge them- they had lives and friends and... well, we were all just kids. Eventually, I came to accept that friendships were short-term and I found other things to motivate and entertain me. I loved to read comic books and play computer games- particularly roleplaying games. I created dynamic characters, then helped them to develop and grow as they undertook these great adventures. Movies were critical. They took me far away and, although our relationship was a bit one-sided, they filled some big, emotional holes in my life.

I don't think it's mushy or corny to want friends around you. After retiring from the military, my dad has spent years trying to find small town diners or church communities where he might find meaningful friendships. People were friendly, yet they already had their good friends and weren't interested (or needed) to call on him whenever they felt like having friends for dinner or see a movie. The only people that my parents can do things with are sisters and brothers so, after years of resisting, they're moving closer to family.

It's a fundamental need. I've deeply craved it all my life- in my work and personal life. I didn't want to repeat the same stories over and over and re-introduce myself to strangers with the fervent hope that I won't blow it and they'll like me and think to call me when they need to talk to somebody. I'm not afraid to meet new people. Kat and I have tried for years to make new friends in the City. It grows tiring to go to parties and re-explaining yourself to others. I can't tell you the number of times that poor Kat has had to endure my "Theory of Porn" speech or hear another defense of why I think Michael Bay is an assmonkey who should never be allowed to direct another film.

I love having friends who know me well enough that they know my passions so we can have a conversation that comes from the end of my last thought rather than an explanation from the start. I love being able to sit in a room and just enjoy being there with a person instead of filling the empty moment. I love it when a friend introduces me to something new and interesting because they are excited about seeing my excitement. I even love a good tweak to my ego when a friend pokes a hole in an attitude that I've got all figured out. I love my fiancé and there are tons of moments that we share, but it's ennobling to also have friends with different rhythms and ideas who want to hang you with you just because you're You.

It's the same thing in my professional life. When I discuss movies, I want to be able to talk about how Woody Allen's new movie "Match Point" is an interesting return to his directing style in "Crimes and Misdemeanors" instead of explaining to someone who Woody Allen is. I want to work with contemporaries who challenge me as much as I challenge them. I want competition that makes me want to be better rather than frustrate me. I want to hear about other people's choices and discoveries, and root for them to succeed.

I read a story one time about how, back in the 1960's, Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas talked about buying a big Victorian house outside of San Francisco. They wanted to start a production company, buy some 16mm cameras and create a communal space where artists could mingle and make movies. I don't know whether the story was true but I always loved that idea of having a space where artists could hang out, exchange ideas and work near each other. Painters could inspire filmmakers who inspire musicians and everyone would believe in creating great things.

All great movements got their start in places where various people from various disciplines ate, drank, and partied together. I still hold onto dreams like that and I don't believe they're sappy or unrealistic. It's a quick and slippery beast to catch, though. I've spent years chasing it- moving to one city, then another, hoping to find an open, vibrant community. People don't know their power and can easily get fixated on the idea that they should do it alone. I've found myself in spaces and times where I have glanced the tremendous power of a group of people believing in one another.

My friends are scattered all over the world, now. They all have such vibrant, creative fires but I worry that they are in danger of going out or drifting out of my life altogether. I often get this intense, Catcher-in-the-Rye feeling and I think of that quote-

Anyway, I keep picturing these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.

I want to gather my friends before we all completely lose sight of our dreams- before we fall off the cliff.

Episode III - straight in the Eye

On Friday, Kat and I were in no mood to go home after work and spend another evening in the Sweltering Cave. Instead, we opted for a $10.75-per-ticket trip to our local movie theater and witness our last Star Wars movie in the theater - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The first trilogy had provided one of the most-significant events of my life - far more than I want to admit considering the theatrical debacles called Episode I and II. The Phantom Menace had been such a disappointment, I couldn't bring myself to see Episode II in the theater (a wise choice, in retrospect). My decision to attend Episode III was akin to attending the funeral of an estranged family member. I hadn't been on good terms, but I felt compelled to pay my respects in deference to better times. Little did I know that I would pay for my decision with eye-watering, teeth-gritting pain.

It has been years since I've really enjoyed an outing at the movies. The culture of movie-going that I enjoyed in my youth is long-gone. Movies are no longer a 'Night Out', where people dressed up, enjoyed dinner at a restaurant, then enthusiastically, and quietly, enjoyed the movie. I grew up in the Golden Age of Pre-Pubescent Film where the stories catered to a young child's excitement and adventure, yet was rarely condescending. That would come later with the introduction of Robert Zemeckis and an influx of cross-marketing and recycling. Also, it's difficult to thing of a movie in New York as a fun, cheap night out - it is an expensive venture with high ticket prices and outrageously-priced, stale and oversized food. And don't even get me started on those refillable beverage containers that could easily perform double-duty as a soda container/hot tub.

Even so, I remain a purist and expect a high level of quality from a first-run theater. I was going to see the visual fest of my final Star Wars movie so it would have to be in a high-end theater -Loews Lincoln Square. It's the best-looking theater in the City, particularly if one of the Spectacle Films is playing in their IMAX theater. Ahhh... stadium seating. On this night, we chose one of their Digital Projection theaters. The quality of digital projection is never as nice as film, but we favored the advantage of seeing an Event film, 3 weeks after the opening, that didn't look like it'd been dragged from the back end of a taxi cab. We had chosen an early show so that we wouldn't be inundated with the usual throng of late-viewers of Spectacle Films who like to spend the movie being unimpressed and pronouncing their findings to the rest of the audience.

We chose an off-center pair of seats about mid-way back. I'm usually That Guy who has to sit in the geometric center of the theater, but age and my disillusion with the Ritual of the Movies has mellowed me. As we settled down with our keg of Coke and bushel of popcorn, Kat turned to me with an earnest look on her face.

"Are you all right," she asked.

"What?"

"I won't be able to enjoy the movie if you've got something going on over there."

"Like what," I asked with as much self-righteousness as I could muster.

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking."

"I'm fine."

Kat scanned the people around us, searching for that person who would start talking during the movie and set me off. "You're going to be good?"

"I said I'm fine." Jesus, you'd think that I was some sort of jerkweed who just snaps at the drop of a hat.

I knew what this was all about. When we went to see The Return of the King, some nimrod, directly behind us, began making snorts of disgust that just became louder and louder until I finally turned around and said (perhaps a bit loudly) "If I wanted the Asshole Commentary, I'd fucking wait and buy the DVD." Perhaps, I was a little more aggressive-sounding than I meant to be, but soft-and-sweet doesn't work very well in this town.

On this night, however, I was in a relaxed, benevolent mood. I had resolved to not analyze the wooden dialogue or George Lucas's need to have every character say exactly what they're doing AS we're watching them do it ("It looks like we're entering the atmosphere", "I'm going to try to shoot those off"). On this night, I was going to be that earnest, wide-eyed, 7-year-old again, sitting in a movie theater in Fairbanks, Alaska, watching this science fiction spectacle for the first time. The lights dimmed, the movie trailers washed over me as Kat and I ate a third of the popcorn before throwing in the towel and reclining into our seats. The movie began and I was There. I watched the opening scene and wrapped myself in that thrilling sense of space and speed that epitomizes a solid, George Lucas film. The first 25 minutes of the film were great.

Then, something landed in my eye.

For the first few minutes, I was convinced that another one of my Evil eyelashes had landed in my eye. I have hay fever and the Only thing that's kinda good about hay fever is the Huge, Long Eyelashes. When I'm not wearing glasses, I get actually get compliments on my eyelashes. But, when an aged, Beloved lash decides when it cannot hang on any longer, it falls... and hurts like a bitch when it lands in my eye. Then, the next 20 minutes are spent in the pursuit of Getting It Out. The moment that I felt that familiar pinch, I knew that the first step was to not Panic, even though the movie theater air conditioning was turned to full-blast and blowing in my face, drying my eyes and making me blink like a strobe light wherein each blink felt like somebody was tormenting my pupil with a sewing needle.

I reached for the saline solution I had stored in my backpack for contact emergencies. I was wearing glasses this night, but I always kept one handy. Kat eyed me nervously as she tried to divide her attention between the projected eye-candy and the writhing mass of Deckard seated beside her.

"I've got something in my eye," I whispered in her ear between needle-jabs.

"Can I get you something," she asked.

I waved off the offer. I had to Get Out. I leapt from my seat, jogged up the aisle and into the restroom. I splashed water in my eye. I cupped water in my hand and dunked my eye in it. I poured a half pint of saline solution into my eye. I leaned over the water-splattered, bathroom sink and desperately scanned in every corner and beneath the lids. Nothing.

I trudged back to the theater and stood in back. I alternated between squirting saline and watching a massive, video game of Wookies and clone troopers as they fought off a droid army made of Legos. I considered sitting in an aisle seat in the back and leaving Kat in peace, but she would soon start worrying about my disappearance. I returned to my seat, casually sipped from the swimming pool of soda and told Kat that I was "Fine" with the most relaxed tone my grit teeth could muster.

One would think that a second eye wasn't necessary to the enjoyment of a 2D film, but the wrongness of that statement would turn out to be one of the many, wise Truths I would discover that night, such as:

1) George Lucas's love scenes, despite popular opinion, do NOT get any better when viewed under torture. It just compounds the torture - a pit AND a pendulum, if you will.
2) Although I was channeling the child-like optimism of a 7-year-old from the 1970's, I could still say 'fuck' and 'shit' on a streaming loop and not fear the Hand of Parental Authority.
3) There are Many exciting, unique, and utterly ineffective ways to try to keep one's eye inert while staring at a flashy, movie screen.
4) Watching a movie through nagging pain gives the movie-going experience a hazy, dream-like quality as everything recedes into the background, making room for my Full Attention to the nagging pain.

The Star Wars Machine finally ground to a halt after stepping through a series of endings meant to say 'This story thread leads to this part in the first Star Wars movie. And this leads to this, and this leads to this...' I might have even indulged in a sentimental tear, had my eye not been already gushing like a fountain in the attempt to Purge the thing in my eye.

All the way home, all that night and all day Saturday was spent in the grips of Blink Pain. It wasn't until Saturday, I stood in a public restroom, that I finally saw the object of my torment - a little, black dot lodged in the colored part of my eye. I spent the day lying on a beach, lobsterizing my body and envisioning an emergency room visit and a pair of jagged tweezers, slowly descending into my eye. That night, I rushed to the shower and stood under the showerhead, spraying my eye... and remarkably, it came out.

So, what did I observed from this experience, aside from the asinine choices an uninsured man will take to remove a lodged object from his eye to avoid emergency room fees? Did I learn something about the consequences of revisiting old relatives? Was there something to be understood in the baffling series of Meetings taken by every Jedi, council member, or military alliance in the Star Wars Universe? Or the value of wearing a pair of sports goggles in a darkened, air conditioned theater? Or the value of eating a tasty meal and buying a small bag of Reese's Pieces BEFORE going to the movies? Maybe Kat learned that one can never really allow for every contingency when dealing with a twitchy, movie-Nazi boyfriend with long eyelashes and no protective eyewear.

Who can ever truly know?

I am so Totally over Her

I know. I suck. Logically, it goes against my most-fundamental beliefs as an artist. But there I am, doing it virtually every Monday. ***Big Breath Here*** I read the Top 10 List of Box Office performers from the weekend.

There! I said it. I finally admitted it. That's the first step towards recovery, you know. I'm practically cured. I don't need those numbers. I was able to kick smoking, movie collecting, and fast food. Surely I can... quit... if I wanted to...

In my defense - I don't, in any way, believe that these statistics reflect the quality of a particular film. I would never ascribe to the hideous belief of many Americans that a high-score at the box office means that a movie is any better or worse than any other. I do it because I am always waiting for Big Failure of the Enemy. When a crap-ass movie like XXX: State of the Union opens with a multi-million dollar campaign push, I'm just begging for it to fail. It's like watching NASCAR. You don't want the entire race to fail, but there's a part of you that can't wait for a really good wipeout.

This year has made for a very satisfying track of the box office. Ticket costs are up, advertisements in theaters are pissing people off, mainstream movies are flooding the multiplexes and revenue is DOWN. Even the obnoxious success of the Star Wars prequel has not succeeded in reviving the box office. And now, they're hoping that The Longest Yard and Madagasgar are going to save things over the Memorial Day weekend?! Oh yeah! This is gonna be good. This is the year that Hollywood goes down! I can't wait until -

...

I'm doing it again. I'm skidding off the road and into the realm of stupid. I have become one of those friends who keep saying, "I'm totally over her. God, it's such a relief to be free of her. Really! If she hadn't broke up with me, I'd have done it first. So what did you see her doing? Really? Well I don't care. Why the fuck should I care? I'm totally over her."

Bad breakups die hard and this one really has to die. Like, now.

the Envy of a nomad

I watched Easy Riders Raging Bulls yesterday. It's a documentary vaguely based upon a book of the same title. I'd read the book 7 years ago and it was a watershed moment for me. It gave a context to the lives and careers of my favorite filmmakers. I'd never been able to reconcile how the same man who made The Conversation and Apocalypse Now could become the hired hand for such clichéd fare as Jack and The Rainmaker. With the exception of Martin Scorsese and Paul Schrader, all my heroes of American cinema had either died or apparently lost their minds. Although the book gets mired in all the fantastical gossip, it does an exceptional job of framing an era from the mid-1960's fall of old Hollywood through the rise of the Blockbuster in the late 1970's. The book is (shocker, here) far better than the film. The book was despised by Nicholson, Hopper and Spielberg as total fiction (which I'm sure is true for some of the tales). Yet, it's easy to dodge the truth when everything has to be gleaned from one or two steps away. When somebody casts such a wide net of dismissal at a book with a many corroborated truths, it's hard to know what's fiction and what might be hitting too close to home.

Still, the film is a good watch. John Milius's waves a cigar and tries to do his best emulation of General Patton. Richard Dreyfuss delivers the most entertaining recounts of Lucas and Spielberg's directorial style. There's a fleeting glance of Marcia Lucas in the editing room and a great moment where you can watch Cybill Shepherd negotiate a minefield of disclosure as she attempts to articulate her blossoming affair with Peter Bogdanovich while filming The Last Picture Show. The bonus material on the second DVD is, in many ways, more entertaining than the film. There's a great piece on George Lucas and how his lifetime of marketing meetings has resulted in prequels that contain far too many meetings. I loved the title of the Spielberg chapter - The Innocent Savant.

The material hit me very differently this time around. I used to idolize filmmakers of that era and felt betrayed when they seemingly gave up on their art. This time around, I realized what an awkward, privileged lot they were. Like The Ramones on the East Side of NY in the mid 1970's or Bill Gates buying up the first version of DOS for $50,000 at the beginning of the 1980's, these were people who found themselves standing in a giant blind spot of an industry and were smart enough to take advantage. That didn't make them bad people (well, maybe Gates). Their successes don't point to the inadeqacies of the rest of us. They are a fortunate few who happened to have their surfboards pointing in the right direction when a tsunami wave hit... and it didn't hurt that they knew how to surf.

Still, I find myself hopelessly in envy of the community in Hollywood of the late 60's/early 70's. They had found their community - their tribe, as my playwriting teacher called it. The surest path to success, my teacher argued, was to find people who responded to your experiences and fed your creativity. If you're Lucas, Spielberg and Milius standing in a beach house in Malibu, collaborating and competing to make the B-movies of your dreams, then you've found your tribe. If you're Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda, sick of the Hollywood system you've known and ready to do something you want to see, like Easy Rider, then you've found it too. If you have a favorite bar, full of regulars that ask for your writings or can show you perspectives you'd never otherwise see, then you're probably drinking with your tribe.

This is my heroin. I am always trying to return to the euphoria of inspiration and self-discovery through the people around me. There haven't been many in my life and they've been spaced maddeningly-far apart, but I clutch to those memories with white knuckles. People whose faces lit at my appearance, then inspired, engaged and challenged me to give more than I imagined possible. These moments were not just about me, however. We all felt that we were working on something larger than ourselves. My last year of film school as 18 people worked on everyone else's films, sleeping in editing rooms, and never offering a 'no' - always a 'yes, and...'. A year as barfly to a Midwestern college bar filled with writers, actors, directors and two fantastic pinball machines. Two weeks at a screenwriting workshop in Croatia where flutists and violinists of a music school drank, sang and inspired a motley crew of aspiring filmmakers.

Communities can never last, though. By their very nature, they inspire people to action, then consequences and aftermath. Some ascend, others abandon or die. America thrives on the notion of individuality and I love that, but often it breeds a go-it-alone attitude. Portraits of artists often suggest that they exist in some Vacuum of Genius where they alone create. Time and again, I re-learn that the Piss-and-Shitters that I've placed on pedestals are the same sort of inconsistent, insecure flawed people as I.

Now, I just need to find My tribe of flawed people.

The Bermuda Triangle of Manhattan (thru May 1st)

I can't remember names for-shit. I recognize faces. I can usually remember where/when/how I met them, but not the name. I also have a terrible habit of swapping first and last names when I’m talking about art,sports, film or music with people. I’ll keep saying Reggie Jackson when I’m meaning Reggie White or, out loud I will be in the midst of a baffling (to others) diatribe about Buddy Guy while I can clearly see that I'm pontificating about Buddy Holly... in my mind’s eye. The thing that really pisses me off about my memory, however, is my habit of repeating stupid mistakes that I’ve already learned the hard way. Let’s take, for example, ohhhh I don’t know… how about the film industry? After receiving my film degree at Undergrad USA, I moved to Los Angeles with screenplays under my arm, a wealth of film knowledge in my brain and a dream in my heart that I'd be the next Martin Scorsese, David Lynch or (at least) Steven Spielberg. For the next 2½ years, I learned what sort of culturally-rich Synergy bubbles forth when you combine drug-heightened egos, millions of dollars of dispensable wealth and the façade that Studio Executives are conducting ‘business’. The subsequent depression induced by this lesson required a year of rural seclusion (involving far too much alcohol and pinball), $25,000 of grad school (shiny new degree, same result), years of girlfriend therapy and a move to New York City before I could feel a little better about human nature. So, now I’m 8 years removed from my South Cali Exodus... which is just about long enough for my selective memory to kick in. Having forgotten how much I loathe the big-studio industry, I obliviously sauntered down the darkened alley of the TriBeCa Film Festival and signed up as a volunteer.

It must have seemed a good idea at the time. Perhaps I thought that I’d meet a few film lovers like myself (always in my quest for community), see some artsy films that were too edgy or foreign to find distribution, and, maybe, slip into a cool, festival party with an open bar. The TriBeCa Film Festival started in 2002 and has quickly become a plausible mid-Spring excuse for distribution reps to visit New York in between their vacations to Park City, Colorado (Sundance) and Cannes, France. My introductory meeting for the eager volunteers involved a cute, frazzled coordinator who read a hand-out to us which threatened instant expulsion from The Cool Club if we were to shove our scripts in any celebrity’s face or stalk anybody. A week later, I received a re-worded Riot Act in a tiny hotel ‘suite’ (labeled VOLUNTEER PLANET in a typical display of hyperbole), which I had to sign. In addition to granting the staff to flog me and remove my badge for any violation of said Act, I also handed away all my rights to talk about any part of my life that might bear witness to the habits of Robert DeNiro/Corporate Sponsors/the Business while exercising the Privilege of volunteering at this Ostentatious Display of Fame. Of course, I had ZERO chance of learning anything juicy about anything while breaking down sponsor ads and standing outside shindigs with a cameraman's bag, but it must have been comforting to know that They could act the fool in front of the help and not worry that it'd come back to bite them.

Already, I could feel the familiar, unsavory taste in my mouth. I was handed my ‘uniform’- a black T-shirt with a shoe store advertisement larger than the festival logo. I also received a super-cheapie “backpack” that I could fill with Lower Manhattan shopping ads, LUNA Nutrition Bars for Women (only 1, please) and Sucralose-flavored, sugar-free Altoids®. I’m not saying that I was expecting a TriBeCa Film Festival Gucci bag or a bottle of Absolut, but considering the fact that 2,000 volunteers were putting thousands of man hours into a festival that generated $65,000,000 for Lower Manhattan last year (according to Access Hollywood), I’d think that they could offer a better deal than a free glass of wine at a restaurant so expensive, I couldn't afford a side salad.

For those of you who don't know Manhattan, TriBeCa stands for 'Triangle Below Canal" Street. At one time, it might have vaguely resembled a triangle, but real estate salesman have slowly expanded the neighborhood boundaries until now it's more of an inverted trapezoid. Roughly speaking, TriBeCa's borders are: North - Canal Street, East - Church Street (flexible), West - West End Highway and South - Vesey St (WTC area). It was warehouse district until fairly recently. TriBeCa is now a cloistered community of aged celebrities, galleries and middle-aged men in black leather jackets. There’s still a bit of old-city feel stuck between the cracks of the cobblestone streets and it's nice to walk down streets called 'Debrosses' instead of 'East 57th'. As I sat in one of the volunteer offices, I could still smell a faint odor of oiled machinery and textiles. I find myself getting really sad and nostalgic when I spend too much time in these spaces. It feels like there's some residue from all the life and kinetic energy that filled those spaces and now it's just bouncing against the drywall and computers that occupy them now.

I don’t want to linger too much on my experiences at the festival. My experiences were, for the most part, dull and far less interesting than any other kind of volunteering I would have found in the City. Of course, not everyone sucked. There were a number of really cool people who’d done short films and New York City-based films. They are, easily, the most important contributors to the festival, though they were considered to be along the periphery of the festival's focus. The only real community I got to know lived amongst the volunteers and staff. The bond was mostly of the sort you’d find in a hostage situation or amongst those who just love to talk about Who they Saw. I’d also forgotten that people who work events rarely get to enjoy them. I didn’t get to see a single movie. I did, however, meet 3 wonderful people at the festival, got into my open-bar party and met enough jackasses to provide me another 8-year reminder of why I despise the Hollywood Scene. At one point, I was witness to a red-carpet premiere that underscored what an Ostentatious Display of Nothing the whole machine really is. I have never been much for celebrity and the few people I’ve wanted to meet in my life have been under whelming experiences. One thing I have retained since my L.A. days is that if you want to kill your idols, just meet them. Trust me, they’re people – eating, sleeping and shitting like the rest of us.

Now, if I can just retain the other lessons...

Escape from New York

I am amazed that I live in New York City. I sit in front of the television, watching the opening credits to Law & Order, then I realize that I can recognize all the buildings and streets. I can readily distinguish whether a homocide has taken place on the Upper West Side or the Chelsea before a word is uttered by the actors. Feature films that I've watched since I was a child suddenly spring forward with newfound familiarity. The funny thing is that this was never the place where I wanted to live. As an Army brat, I had lived in all over the country- from Alaska to Georgia to Western Europe. The one corner of the world that had always intimidated me was the New York. There was something elitist and rough about it. The movies have certainly had a lot to do with it. There ARE far more dodgy corners of the globe, but there was always something a little offputting to me about this city. I had NEVER perceived it as a place where to REALLY live. As far as I was concerned, New York was the land of Italian gangsters, transvestite street hustlers, and Wall Street. It was a concrete jungle where arrogant, self-centered giants of industry and entertainment waged war against one other to find out who was Top Dog. I grew up in the homogenized, safe life of a U.S. Army base or in the suburbs of America, as depicted in early Steven Spielberg movies, where the only threat to life-and-limb came from ancient burial grounds or government supression of alien visitors. My idea of a great adventure was a 1 mile bike ride to the 7-11 to buy a couple packs of Star Wars bubblegum cards or the newest issue of X-Men. Despite the fact that Army bases and suburban life were eye-tearingly dull (especially in the days before the video game revolution that swept roller-skating rinks and bowling alleys), I found them comforting. Sesame Street was as close to the Urban Experience as I thought I would ever know. Little did I suspect that the New York City of the 21st century would bear little resemblance to the portrait of Urban Decay that I'd had fed to me through the eyes of a camera lens. In the last 5 years, I have I discovered a city unlike any other, and (to paraphrase Lou Reed) where everybody is ALMOST ready to leave.

A couple years ago, I was watching Midnight Cowboy- widely-considered to be one of the quintessential films of New York City in the 1960s (I know, I know... Cassavetes rocks, but work with me here). I'd seen this movie at least 6 or 7 times and owned it on DVD, but not since I'd moved to the City. There was Jon Voight, sloughing down Broadway in Times Square when he passes a large, neon store marque that reads 'COLONY' in 6 foot, red-neon lettering. I'd just been to Colony Music the day before. I knew that area - I had BEEN right there, wher Jon Voight was standing 35 years earlier. Had it not been for those 6 foot letters though, I wouldn't have known that it was the same place. The hooker and titty bar that enveloped Voight through Times Square had completely disappeared. Disney, Viacom, Time Warner and a myriad of myopic, massive corporations have bought block-upon-block of the White Way and transformed it into a staggering display of pricey Advertising and pricier Broadway shows. For 10 to 30 stories in every direction, fluttering eyes of consumer foreplay compete for the errant eye. Jon Voight would have been priced out of a Manhattan hotel room the second he set foot-to-pavement at the Port Authority bus station. Nowadays, he'd be reduced to shacking up on a bunk bed in a hostel on the Upper West Side with a bunch of German, blond-dreadlocked teenagers.

It is strange to live in a place that has such Iconic status with the rest of the world. Like London, Paris, Bangkok, Istanbul, Shanghai, Tokyo and Rome, New York City has had so many images placed upon it, it's easy to build a mental image of what it's like. Even visiting the city for a few days can leave one with the wrong impression. You really have to live in a place for a number of years before you can even the most basic idea of what a city is all about. In a metropolis like New York, even after a lifetime here, I'll only ever know a small corner of it. I think that's one of the reasons that people are almost always thinking about leaving. The density of cultures, attitudes combines with this strange compulsion to always feel like you're running behind schedule. But then, where do you go from here?

on the road to Ithaca

Since I moved to New York City three years ago, I have become increasingly agitated with life. Now, the City is good at breeding a certain amount of guilt and compulsiveness as the have nots rub shoulders with the have-a-lots. There has been a particular itch that has been festering in my mind for a long time and now it has grown to tumor-size- ageism. I first beheld the warning signs of this impending storm many years ago. When I reached 26, I realized that I was now the exact age of Orson Welles, but I unlike him, I was not going to be directing my Citizen Kane that year. In addition, I was never going to be an NBA point guard or the next 'young phenom' of Hollywood - Steven Spielberg. As the years passed, I found myself measuring my progress through life relative to others. Having nothing in common with these people except my age, I decided to use that as the yardstick. In addition, this was a very natural progression because L.A., where I was living at the time, is perhaps the most age-ist city on the planet. My parents had me when they were in their mid-to-late 20s. George Lucas directed Star Wars at the 'ancient' age of 32. Now, the the only perceivable reference points I have in my future appear to be Robert Altman (M*A*S*H at age 44) and Grandma Moses (began painting at age 75).

Of course, there's always the dream of being a creater of "outsider art" which, according to CBS Sunday Morning, is all the rage in the art world. I could be one of those people with no training, no concept of the exploitation being performed by gallery owners at their expense, and (for street cred) a history of mental illness. I watched this show and I cannot communicate how depressing it is to feel that the $25,000 I currently owe in student loans, for the SOLE purpose of learning craft, has no value in the New York art world. Hey, I'm not wholly-ignorant about how the arts work in America, but DAMN... I didn't need to see that.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that it isn't age or the lack of a propogative drive or the nauseating trends in film, television and art that's really led to this depressed wreck of a man - it's my goal-oriented, guilt mentality. I have ceased to enjoy my journey and now the goal is the "thing" and all my actions are hot-wired into them. I am always focused on reaching Ithaca - a distant land where I hope all my happiness will lie. I have ceased to enjoy the journey. I have become a person fixated upon some abstract idea of success and any enjoyment along the way is considered to be a distraction from the goal. My measurement relative to others has become absolutely poisonous to me. There's something very American about how I have to compare myself to winners and never consider myself to be one until I've clearly won.

more static for the white noise

After years of wasting my workdays, reading blogs and diatribing in reply posts and the darkness of my own cave, I have decided to prick my finger and do a few cave drawings of my own. Having seen The New York Times devote many pages to the fabulous world of blogging, I am certain that I can finally declare the entire community 'uncool' and join the huddled masses of despondent writers and self-proclaimed fringe and see if there are any brave (or bored) enough to venture into my subterranean hovel of rent-stabilized angst.

For those of you who know New York City from the movies (via Martin Scorsese, Sidney Lumet and/or John Cassavetes), let me be the most recent to tell you that those days are long gone. New York City is holding onto the tattered remains of hipness with bloody fingernails. When I moved to the City 3 1/2 years ago, I envisioned a day where I'd be talking like Serpico, churning out dangerous, provocative plays in East Village basements and doing loads of speed, all the while fending off hustlers and lowlifes with my honed street smarts. Instead, I've been introduced to the $7 minimum drink price and three years of achingly-dull marketing work at Lincoln Center.

Now, I am unemployed and living at the far northern tip of an island called Inwood. Up here, the only cultural advantage is that I can scrawl "New York, NY" on my return mail address... well, that, and a fantastic park. This neighborhood is considered to be up-and-coming because it's the last affordable place technically on the island and the nearest coffee house is 20+ blocks away so its air of desperation is taken for aloofness. I have been hibernating in my cave for the last 5 months, watching Final Draft cursors blink and planning exactly how early in the day one has to crack open a bottle of wine before he/she is considered to be in full posession of a drinking problem. Ten pages of my spectacular screenplay-in-waiting have been hammered out. That averages out to about 2 pages per month. At this rate, a 120 page screenplay will take me 60 months to write. Unless I'm churning out a fantastic adaptation of The Silmarillion (which, unfortunately, I am not), there is a major car wreck around the next bend of my ol' career track.

And now here I am, fantasizing that I am the new Hunter S. Thompson of the blogging world (or at least a Lester Bangs) and dreaming that there are others out there others with a similar taste in music, movies and ideas who are as mindlessly searching the internet as I did only months ago. Being very much my typical self, I am starting yet another project because, unlike finishing a project, I am REALLY good at starting something new.